Monday, August 25, 2014

A Man And His Member by David M. Matthews

Lately there has been a proliferation of bad news: Deadlocked Washington legislators, corporate insolvency, war, famine, natural disaster, and the final airing of “How I Met Your Mother.”  Thus, rather than deal with anything too serious in this column, I decided to be a little more light-hearted.  The following is the result - an ode to the bond between men and their “manhood,” aimed primarily at our female readers.

To say, “Penises are attached to men,” is to simply state a fact.  But saying, “Men are attached to their penises,” is to proclaim an absolute truth.

As you may already know, nothing is so prized a possession to the average male as his own penis.  And while straight men have little or no interest in the external plumbing of their brethren (other than as a supporting character in a porno), they can become downright sentimental when pondering their close relationship to their own equipment.  To put it bluntly, most men consider their penis to be their best friend.  Sure, we are hugely attracted to women.  And yes, we enjoy the hell out of spending an evening of football, hot wings and frosty brews with our buds.  And true, our slipper-fetching Fido is among our favorite companions.  But our true BFF is that roll of flesh we keep sequestered in our shorts.

And why is “cherish” the word we use to describe our penis?  Three reasons: Loyalty, reliability and shared common interests.  As long as we can remember, our penis has been there for us.  Before we even understood its function as “party central,” we appreciated it as the visible symbol of our masculinity, the release valve for our bursting bladders, and a dandy way to practice our cursive in the snow.  Then when puberty hit, and all our hormones executed a blitzkrieg of our nether regions, our penises were there to rise to the occasion.  Suddenly the whole world of sexuality opened up for us, and it was our trusty tumescent friends who led the way.  In times of loneliness, frustration or insomnia, it was our penises that helped us relieve our pent-up tensions.  Participation in sports was a fine source of stress relief, but sadly not always convenient or available.  Our trusty wieners, however, were ever-ready for action, even late at night and in inclement weather. 

As I’m sure some of you are well aware, our affection is so great, that many of us even endow our endowment with a nickname.  These monikers can run the gamut from whimsical (“Mr. Happy”) to blatantly boastful (“Sasquatch”).  And so concerned are we about our units’ continued good health, that we faithfully endeavor to make certain our “little soldiers” get regular exercise.  That’s just how considerate we guys are.

Now you may be asking yourself, “What about his testicles?  He hasn’t even touched on them.  What are they…chopped liver (I shudder at the very image)?”  Well, the truth is, as much as we love and respect this secondary erogenous zone and sperm manufacturing facility, our balls are the “Achilles heel” of our genital compound.  They are our weakest link; our most vulnerable spot.  Truthfully, we are barely even cognizant of their existence until they are the unfortunate victim of a blunt force trauma.  Then, however, their presence drowns out our awareness of virtually all the rest of our anatomy.  So, while we wouldn’t want to part with them, the periodic pain associated with our family jewels prevents us from rhapsodizing about them as we do their neighbor to the north.

So you see, our fondness for our own penises cannot be overstated, and our allegiance to them should not be underestimated.  And why would you be interested in any of this (optimistically hoping, of course, that you are - and haven’t been “put off” by my dissertation on “a dude and his dingus”)? Because despite our dogged devotion to our penises, there is an anatomical accoutrement over which you have exclusive dominion that we are even more obsessed with.  I am referring to, of course…the vulva. We’re absolutely nutty about it.  And luckily, so are our little pals.  In fact, this popular destination is the top-rated gated community in which ten-out-of-ten female-seeking penises prefer to reside.  Be it ever so warm and cozy, there’s no place like home.

© 2014 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.  When he’s not telling people how to live their lives, this Emmy-winning composer works extensively in Hollywood as a writer, producer, and director for features films and network television.

Also by David M. Matthews: 10 Things Men Like About Breasts By David M. Matthews
10 Things Men Like About Breasts By David M. Matthews - See more at:
10 Things Men Like About Breasts By David M. Matthews - See more at:

1 comment:

  1. Love it! And it couldnt be more true..nice to hear it from a man ��